After what feels like forever, we thought we’d share a little update with you all. I probably sound like a broken record but times are very tough, hence the absense from social media. This blog has taken a backseat too, but hopefully only for the time being (we are bursting with exciting things to share with you all).
There is so much change in the air, and it’s already been a turbulent few months to say the least. Summer is fun, but we love these darker evenings, thicker cardigans and before-bed-hot chocolates. We are holding eachother tighter than ever before, and not only because the nights are getting really chilly over here.
Looking back to last summer, and in spite of the almost intolerable pain we have all been through, I think I have accepted that things are turning out for the best. I remember sitting in parks just twelve months ago and hiding tears behind sunglasses, feeling sick with fear at the thought of returning to my own home. I remember treading on eggshells and waking up with butterflies (the bad kind), wondering what sort of day we’d have. They were either messy, explosive and painful, or they were sad and scary. Believe it or not, it has not been my babies who have caused me sleepless nights. We just could not see a way forward. But we survived. We only just survived.
The summer is most definitely coming to an end, but I think we’ve made memories that we’ll keep for many years to come. Despite everything, I’ve loved these slow days. Park trips and long walks, most meals eaten on picnic blankets, games in the garden and a lot of tree climbing. I’ll be honest, the thought of doing a school uniform shop for seven children is an absolute nightmare, besides getting one ready for college, and two for university. I’ve been filling cardboard boxes with food and other essentials for Sal and James, and the Cath Kidston sale was just too much to resist when it came to school bags 😉 . Perhaps you can imagine, or even relate to the pickle we’re in with next to no real income, and twelve hungry mouths to feed.
Tomorrow is my 21st wedding anniversary. I’m writing this because I’ve done so every year since I started my little instagram account. It always made my heart so full when I could reply “yes” to “are those children all from the same father?” I was proud and in love, but I was unwilling to accept the reality of our situation. I feel I’m only just beginning to muddle my way through this.
It has taken me many years to reach the point I’m at. To open my eyes fully, to begin accepting our past, and learning my true worth as a person. I’ve let my children down in the process, but they are still here loving me. The older ones have been through hell alongside me, yet they hold my hand every single day. Pearl continues to defy all odds by getting out of bed every morning, and gracing us all with that contagous positivity. And Harry, my little Harry. He’s showing them all how it’s done in his own way, by being exactly who he really is. I can’t wait to see that talented guy pursue his dreams. I almost have to pinch myself when I look at James, and what an intelligent, mature young man he is turning out to be. I think you can all see for yourself how Sal is smashing her goals too, and flourishing like crazy. I could not survive without her, my right hand lady. I pray that when my little ones are old enough, they will know I’ve made the best decisions for them, and that my love for them is bigger and stronger than anything they’ll come up against in life.
My heart is breaking at the thought of releasing my oldest babies into different cities, hours apart, in under two months time. Those two made me a mama, and I still hold close those slow days we shared together when they were tiny, our little family of four. Agh, how do parents do this?
I know that we will be okay. We are surrounded by wonderful proffessionals: support workers, doctors, police officers and so forth. Our wider family are top notch too. We are made of strong stuff, my babes and I.
I aplogise for being so vague about our past; I hope you understand.
Have you had a fun summer?
Sending so much love from our family to yours <3